Our latest blog is by Rachael Martin, Teen Therapist and panellist at our next event for parents called ‘Supporting Parents with an Anxious Child’ at HurstWorks on Thursday 3rd April, 6-9pm. Click here to book tickets.
Lets start with an obvious fact – Parenting a teenager with anxiety is really hard! 😒
Balancing the tiny tight rope between offering support and giving space, between wanting to fix things and knowing you can’t or probably shouldn’t. You might see your teen withdrawing, snapping at small things, or melting down over what seems like nothing. Meanwhile, they’re likely feeling overwhelmed, trapped by their own thoughts, and unsure how to make it stop. All of which doesn’t make them feel great about life or themselves. As their parent I know you will not only see this, you will probably feel it too!!
The good news? You don’t need all the answers. Your role is to guide, not rescue. 😃
Here are 4 key DOs and DON’Ts to support your anxious teen.
1. Validate Their Feelings: It’s OK to Not Be OK
The simplest truth to get your head around is that when anxiety strikes, your teen most likely isn’t looking for a fix from you.
They may not even realise, but when anxiety strikes the first step that really makes a difference is feeling understood. Feeling that you are not going mad and there is someone who gets that these horrible feelings are awful, they want to know why and will reassure you that it’s OK to feel this way. Only then will your teen even consider that you can help them find their way out of this.
It’s like trying to guide your teen home if they were lost somewhere in town. The very first step you’re going to take is to find out exactly where they are. If they don’t believe you know, they aren’t going to take another step until they are sure you’re giving them the right directions!
You have to understand where your teen is when anxiety strikes. Hands down it’s always step 1!
** Validation mistakes **
Offering a simple “calm down” or “don’t worry” only makes them feel more alone. It doesn’t show understanding of the feelings they are in the middle of. It actually sends a secret message that you don’t think this is serious and that it can be fixed by a few words. (These words are also like lighting the rage touch paper with teens!!).
It doesn’t show you want to understand what they are going through right now. In terms of them being lost… it’s like them telling you they are lost and scared, and you respond with “you can’t really be lost”.
Can you imagine how scary & frustrating that would be! You feel lost… alone and scared… you finally reach out for help and someone tells you to “calm down”. Like they didn’t know being calm would help… being scared isn’t a choice they consciously make. They want to be calm but dont know how to.
So listen, work out what they are feeling and show you understand this. Don’t make the mistake of presuming you know how they feel… even if you do… always, always check and clarify!!
So what do you do instead to help? If you validate their emotions so they know it’s OK to feel what they feel they will naturally start to calm themselves.
What to Say:
- “I can see that this is really overwhelming for you.”
- “It makes sense that you feel this way. That must be really hard.”
- “You don’t have to figure this out alone. We can work through it together if it would help?”
What NOT to Say:
- “It’s not a big deal. You’re just overthinking.”
- “You’re fine—there’s nothing to be anxious about.”
- “Other people have it way worse than you.”
When your teen feels seen and heard, they can start to accept their emotions instead of fighting against them. And from there, they can begin to move forward. Step one is ALWAYS about them accepting that emotions are OK and a part of life, step 2 is how they respond to them!
2. Understand Their World: Empathy Over Judgment
It’s easy to forget how intense the teenage years can be. Social pressures, academic stress, and learning that the world is very unpredictable can create a perfect storm for anxiety. What may seem small to you—like a canceled plan, an awkward interaction, or an upcoming test—can feel massive to them. During the teenage years it’s worth remembering that your beliefs and values probably won’t match theirs… in fact they are in the process of testing out what matters and what’s important so if they are similar, this likely won’t last!
Try stepping into their shoes. When your teen says, “I can’t go to school today, everyone will think I’m stupid after yesterday,” resist the urge to brush it off or dismiss how hard that is to face (esp if your teen suffers with fears of judgements from others!). Instead, acknowledge their reality: “That sounds really hard. I can see why you’d feel that way.”
What NOT to Do: Don’t Minimise or Dismiss
I have mentioned this already but hands down one of the most damaging things you can do is make your teen feel like their anxiety is irrational, unimportant or them being over sensitive. Even if their fears seem exaggerated, they are real to them. Saying things like, “You’re being dramatic” or “It’s all in your head” can make them feel ashamed for struggling. That’s just making the problem worse.
Instead, focus on understanding first, problem-solving second. Understand their feelings, work on empathising with this and see how the situation begins to change (as well as your relationship which I always mention… is so so key to raising a teenager!)
* IMPORTANT NOTE *
Empathy doesn’t mean agreeing with their fears— it’s about showing your teen you recognise their experience as very real for them. Once they feel understood, they’ll be happier to let you in on this issue, this will enable them to look into problem-solving rather than spinning on the issue itself.
It becomes less about proving this is a “problem” and moves to focusing on what they can do about it.
3. Take Care of Yourself: Model Emotional Regulation
If you’re running on empty, you’ll struggle to be the steady presence your teen needs. You have probably heard the saying: you can’t pour from an empty cup. If you’re constantly at 50%, you’ll be snappy, exhausted, and unable to provide the understanding your teen craves. But if you’re at 80%? You’ll have the energy to guide them through their storm, the majority of the time (always I feel is impossible, we are humans not robots!)
So what I am saying is YOUR Self-care isn’t selfish—it’s essential. Prioritise sleep, movement, social connections, and moments of rest and fun! Let your teen see you managing stress in healthy ways, so they learn to do the same. If you can get them in on your self-care do! (if its not going to take away the reset effect from you!)
For your anxious teen it’s important for them to see because they will most likely have some worries about what others think, so the idea of doing something people may view as selfish won’t sit well. For this reason alone it’s super important you demonstrate self-care as anything but selfish!
It’s gonna save yours and your teens sanity!
Don’t sack off your Selfcare!
I know time is precious and sometimes something has to shift, that can just be life. Be careful about binning self care practice too quickly. It diminishes its importance to you and your teen (who is always watching!). Be aware it is also an indication of how you view your own mental health as a priority! All this is important learning for your teenager and goes along with boosting their self-understanding. No matter what small practices you have to help yourself stay level, make sure your sharing this and how you recognise its importance!!
4. Parenting Teens Mindset:
Do be a Coach, Don’t be a Referee
Imagine a sports game. A referee blows the whistle when things go wrong, calling out mistakes and even giving out punishments for these.
A coach, on the other hand, guides, encourages, and helps players get back in the game.
So as a parent, be your teen’s coach—not their referee.
With anxiety this hits in 2 ways…
- If you had a player who was nervous about playing or even getting on the pitch… the ref would tell them to get on the pitch or not play… simple as that. Much like when your teen was a toddler… tell them to crack on and so they did! So take the coach’s stance to an anxious moment… understand, validate and give them space and belief they can help themselves.
Step back and ask yourself:
“How can I help them get themselves back on track?”
- When the anxiety lingers and is becoming a problem, the ref will quote rules to give the player understanding… it’s black and white for refs. “You have to go to school” “You can’t change how people think”.
This not only assumes your teen doesn’t already know this (trust me, they have spun around this fact for a LONG time!) but also as if these facts magically take the feelings away… no surprise … it won’t.
The coach will work with the teen to understand their fears, wants and goals… help them find ways to challenge themselves and most importantly work endlessly to build the confidence in their player!
FINAL NOTE
There will always be a much greater effect if you help your teen with self worth and self understanding instead of just problem solving.
Support, guide, and equip them with the tools they need to manage their anxiety— this means not solving everything for them, but by helping them learn how to handle it themselves.
Your teen doesn’t need you to be perfect, in fact you would increase their anxiety if you were (imagine trying to live up to the perfect parent! Mission impossible!!).
They don’t want you to solve all their problems. They just need to know you’re there, you understand, are steady and strong, as they learn that it’s OK to not feel OK—and that they have the power and self-understanding to find their way back!
So step back, validate, understand and empower your teen to turn the table on their anxiety so they manage it, rather than it managing them!
If you would like to find out more about teen anxiety, what you can do to help, and the tools that can help your teen to manage their anxiety, the upcoming event at Hurstworks will help!
Get your ticket here: https://buytickets.at/highstreetcoworkinglimited/1624139
