Rachael Martin is a Teen Therapist and author of the latest blog in our series about helping your child navigate their early teenage years. Rachel will be hosting an event at HurstWorks in January with Jenny Huggett, on how you can support your child through years 9, 10 and 11, both emotionally and academically.
Parenting a teenager who struggles with anxiety can feel like trying to help someone navigate a maze while you are both blindfolded. You can hear their frustration, sense their panic, and want to guide them—but without clear communication, it’s easy to stumble or make things worse. In this blog, we’ll explore how you can become the best support system for your anxious teen and why listening, empathy, and connection are your most powerful tools.
Understanding Anxiety: It’s About Fear of the Future
Anxiety often boils down to one thing: fear of what could go wrong. For teens, this fear is intertwined with their belief about whether they can handle life’s challenges. Imagine standing at the edge of a diving board for the first time. If you believe the water is too deep or that you’ll belly-flop, the fear takes over. Now imagine there are 100s of people watching you, all waiting to judge what you do… that’s how your Teen feels when facing potential social pressures, academic struggles, or personal challenges—they worry because they don’t yet trust that they’ll be okay if things go badly.
Try to listen without judgement
This very first thing to be aware of…. When your teen tells you they’re anxious, they’re not necessarily seeking a solution from you. They’re definitely trying to share their emotional world. Listen carefully, and resist the urge to brush their fears aside with “It’ll be fine!” or “You’re overthinking it.” Even if your whole heart believes this to be true, recognise they are sharing THEIR TRUTH. Instead, ask open-ended questions like, “What’s the worst thing you think could happen?” and “How do you think you’d handle that?” These questions invite them to share and reflect, which can reduce the overwhelming hold anxiety has on them.
The Golden Rule: Don’t Fix Unless Asked
It’s every parent’s instinct to fix problems, at the end of the day, we just want to make it all better for them! When your teen says they’re anxious about an exam or a being around friends, your first impulse might be to suggest solutions: “Why don’t you study with a friend?” or “Just take deep breaths and stay calm.” But here’s the thing—unsolicited advice can feel dismissive like you see a really easy fix, that they missed and importantly that their feelings on this are wrong.
Instead, focus on being present and supportive. Validate their fears with phrases like, “That does sound tough,” or “I can see why you’re feeling overwhelmed.” When they’re ready, your teen will often ask one of two golden questions: “Can you help me?” or “What would you do?” That’s your green light to offer advice. Until then, remember that your presence matters more than your solutions!!
The Foundation: Build the Relationship
Supporting your teen’s anxiety isn’t just about strategies—it’s about connection. In fact, the relationship is always the key to get joy in raising your teenager. Why… well imagine trying to fix a leaky pipe in someone else’s house without knowing the layout. You wont know where to look? You may start smashing holes in walls for no reason and making a right mess, all with the best intention but it would be far easier if you found out where the leak was first! Without a strong relationship, you won’t know what your teen is struggling with (where the leak is) or how best to support them.
Build a connection with empathy
Building this connection takes time and EMPATHY. Start with small, consistent moments of connection, like chatting on the drive to school, over food or just by popping to their room occasionally to check they are OK. Let your teen know you’re a safe place where they can express their fears without judgment. Empathy is key—put yourself in their shoes and try to feel what they’re feeling, even if their worries seem small or irrational to you. Which sometimes I guarantee you they will! Just try and understand what its like to be them, in their world, with their pressures and fears.
Anxiety is Like a Storm – be the anchor
Think of your teen’s anxiety like a storm brewing on the horizon. Sometimes it’s a light drizzle; other times, it’s a full-blown hurricane. Your role isn’t to stop the storm but to be the calm, steady lighthouse guiding them through it. You’re their safe harbour, the place they can anchor when the seas get rough.
The Shift: From Referee to Coach
As parents, we’re used to being referees—blowing the whistle on missteps, enforcing rules, and keeping the game of life on track. But when your child becomes a teenager, it’s time to step off the field and into the coaching role.
A coach doesn’t play the game for the team, they don’t even run around on the pitch with the team! Instead, they guide from the sidelines, offering strategies, encouragement, and belief in the team’s ability to succeed. Your teenager needs the same from you. They don’t need you to make their anxiety disappear; they need you to help them build the skills to handle it themselves.
Final Thoughts
Parenting a teen with anxiety isn’t easy, but it’s a journey worth taking. By listening with empathy, resisting the urge to fix, and focusing on building a strong relationship, you can help your teen navigate their fears and grow into a resilient young adult. Remember, you’re not their referee anymore—you’re their coach!
And with your steady guidance, they can learn to face life’s challenges with confidence. This will then be a skill that sticks with them for life!
That is the key to parenting a teen with anxiety.
Rachel Martin, Teen Therapist
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1 comment
Jenny
Brilliant article Rachael! Thank you!